Since his first appearance in 1974, the Marvel hero known as Wolverine has been synonymous with mystery. But the cover to a new series starring the hairy little runt reveals a shocking secret that will change the way you think about the character. And no, we aren’t talking about the fact that Adam Kubert clearly drew just one Wolverine being gripped by a pair of metallic tentacles and then copied the drawing multiple times in Photoshop and changed the costume to create the various Wolverines on the cover.
What we’re talking about here is something far more serious and far more shocking, because the cover to the X Lives of Wolverine #1 is just the latest piece of irrefutable evidence that proves our long-running theory that Wolverine has two dicks, one for f***ing and one for making love.
Note how each photoshopped copy of Wolverine is wrapped seductively in not one but two tentacles, each symbolizing one of the mutant’s two dicks, as if to say, no matter what life Wolverine is living, he has two dicks in every one. Using symbolism to hint at this mind-blowing conspiracy is nothing new for the House of Ideas. Marvel artists have been hiding references to Wolverine’s dual phallic nature since as far back as 2003, when a Wolverine ongoing series cover by Esad Ribic was published in which Ribic himself explained that beer bottles symbolize penises, as the bottle on the table is meant to represent Wolverine’s hardon for the nude Nightcrawler seen in the cover’s foreground. However, a careful examination shows that a second beer bottle is hidden beneath the table, making this cover the first known symbolic reference to Wolverine having two dicks.
But the cover to Wolverine #6 isn’t even the earliest reference to Wolverine’s genital duality. That honor belongs to an earlier reference that appears in 2002’s Punisher #17, as, after blowing off Wolverine’s dicks with his gun, Frank Castle tells the injured mutant: “they’ll grow back.” Note the plurality. Wolverine has two dicks, not one, and The Punisher knows it.
Of course, these references remained hidden for many years, spoken of only in shadows or by a visible excited Jason Aaron. However, the theory became mainstream when designer Tom Mueller created a logo for the Dawn of X Wolverine ongoing that laid out the sexual status quo of the X-Men’s most important throuple: Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Wolverine. As the logo shows, Wolverine has two dicks, one of which he uses for f**king Cyclops’ asshole, the other of which he uses for making love to Jean Grey. Because of this situation, Emma Frost, who once pegged Scott with a pink dildo, now finds a cold wall of separation between herself and Scott, who has a tongue only for tossing Wolverine’s salad. It’s all right there, very clearly, as we’ve illustrated with this animated gif.
Since then, Bleeding Cool has uncovered incontrovertible evidence about the nature of Wolverine’s penii. In another all-too-obvious example, during the Hellfire Gala event, the paired islands of Krakoa and Arakko are separated when the X-Men terraform Mars and move Arakko there. If there’s any doubt that these two islands and two planets are meant as a tribute to Wolverine’s two dicks, you need look no further than the scene in Planet-Size X-Men in which a second phallic SWORD space station is birthed by Jamie Braddock and thrust out into space to serve as a message to the galaxy: if you **** with Earth, Earth will **** you right back… twice.
And now, with the release of the first cover to The X Lives of Wolverine, Marvel has become bolder than ever in flaunting the fact that Wolverine has two dicks, one for f***ing and one for making love. What other secrets about Wolverine’s genitalia will be revealed in the series? We’ll find out soon, as The X Lives of Wolverine #1 hits stores on January 5th.